Reliving the Past
by RPGWarrior4824
Summary: Elissa Cousland didn't expect to return to Ostagar so soon. Returning reminded her of some good and bad memories. Some memories she'd rather forget. But there are things that she can't hide away from forever, someday she might need to face them.


**Notes:**

**Million thanks to Ripley95 who was so kind to beta this fic. I couldn't have done this without your help and support!**

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Maybe it was a coincidence or chance that they came across that injured man that lead them back to Ostagar. Or maybe it was just Elissa Cousland's bad luck. There has been a lot of that lately.

Everything was good in her life until her mother wanted her to get married to a fancy lord and be a lady. Before that, her family was alive and well. Even though she and Alistair had something special now, she would have rather married someone she didn't love than lose her home and everyone she did love.

Then, there was Howe's betrayal, Loghain's betrayal and everything after that wasn't good either, but none of that cut as deep as that night's betrayal had.

There was no time for her to grieve her parents, but maybe that was for the best. She didn't want to think of them day and night. How she left them to die. This was the one time she listened to them that she shouldn't have.

"You know what would've happened if you stayed," Duncan said that night after they set up camp. It was a cold night, or more accurately, morning. She didn't know if it was cold or if it was just a cold night because the events left her cold.

She didn't want to go. All of her life, she dreamed of becoming a Grey Warden. She fell in love with the stories, as did her nephew. Sadly, now she'll never know what kind of man he would've grown into. Then, her father finally granted her the opportunity to become a Grey Warden, but this was the one time she didn't want to leave. She shouldn't have left her parents like that. That was not the right way. She begged her father countless times. He had always said no before, except this time. Elissa was shocked when her father said yes to Duncan's request. He exploited her father when he was in an impossible situation. He asked a dying man a favour. How was that fair?

The signs were there. Before saying goodbye to her brother, she talked to Howe. Something was off. Their whole conversation left Elissa with a very strange feeling, then she also picked up that he avoided eye contact. But, she ignored it. She might never have liked Howe much, but she never saw this coming.

Duncan dragged her while she screamed, refusing to leave them. But no matter how hard she fought against him, he didn't let go.

The people she learned to care about and love were all dead. How did they expect her to leave all those screaming people behind? She ran. She was a coward. She should've fought harder.

"So that's it? You're just going to sit there in silence?" Duncan asked after a long moment of neither of them saying anything.

Elissa had no remnants of emotions on her face, she stared at the campfire as if it'll give her all the answers she sought. "I don't feel like talking," she shrugged.

The rest of the night she spent looking at the stars. She wasn't sure if she even blinked. No time seemed to have passed, yet when she looked again the sun was beginning to rise. It was a beautiful sight, but it reminded Elissa that she needed to go on. And she didn't know if she was ready for that.

_Was she ready to become a Grey Warden?_

But that seems like a lifetime ago now. The Elissa Cousland that lost her parents that lonely cold night changed a lot.

Her heart raced when she saw Ostagar again. It shouldn't have raced , she didn't know the fellow wardens that died thanks to Loghain's betrayal. She didn't fight beside them, ate with them, share quarters. Alistair did.

After she became a Warden, there was barely enough time for her to meet them. Alistair introduced a couple of them that they came across. The most she did meet, she only exchanged a couple of words. Some just a "hello". So why was coming back here so strange?

Unlike last time, Ostagar was covered in snow. It was the type of snow Elissa could've played in for a whole day when she was a little girl. It brought memories of better days spending time with Fergus before he had a family of his own. But this snow didn't bring happiness, it brought dread. Each step they took left a footprint. It was very cold, although the snow stopped falling. Ostagar felt lonely. Almost haunted by its past. She could feel the cold in her bones.

No one dared to say a word. Elissa thought it would be best if Alistair came with them. Ostagar stole so much from him. It was only fitting that he came.

Wynne was there as well, but Elissa didn't recall her. That's why she only thought it was fitting that Wynne came as well. She wasn't a part of the battle, but she was still there.

Elissa also decided to take Shale. There was no reason for taking the golem. There was a strange relationship between them, and Shale was one of the most interesting people she has gotten to know. But she enjoyed the golem's conversation. She had a line of cruel masters and she deserved so much more.

At first, none of them said a word. Everyone was there with their thoughts. Elissa knew Alistair might've thought about Ostagar too. Everything he lost.

He didn't have time to grieve either. Yes, Morrigan was right. He didn't speak much after they took Morrigan with them. He grieved silently until one day he decided to move on. Not because he wanted to, but because he didn't have much choice.

Morrigan was too hard on Alistair. Things might be better between them now, but Elissa wouldn't go as far as saying they were friends. At least they wouldn't kill each other if they were alone in a room. Seeing how things were when they met, that was saying a lot.

Remnants of a battle were visible everywhere. The memories came back as a rush. The first time she met Alistair. She couldn't help to smile at that memory. After their first conversation, she knew that she and Alistair would get along. She didn't know that they would develop this relationship though. It's one good thing that came out of all of this.

They fought darkspawn after darkspawn. Some of them had Cailan's things. It wasn't important to their mission or had anything to do with the chest. But it was important to Alistair. And Elissa couldn't leave his belongings there alone.

Wynne and Alistair sparked a conversation here and there but Elissa didn't say a word. She couldn't. Everything she thought of saying felt hollow in her head. And if it wasn't good enough for her head, it wasn't good enough to say out loud.

Finding Cailan was a shock. There was no sign of Duncan. He couldn't get a last goodbye. The signs of anger screamed on Alistair's expression. It brought everything back. And how couldn't it?

The betrayal. Elissa wondered then and there if Alistair felt like her. If his blade wanted to taste Loghain's blood as much as her dagger wanted to taste Howe's. She wondered if he had sleepless nights of regret as she did. Was he driven by revenge as much as she was? Did he replay everything to see how he could've missed the signs of betrayal?

Did he feel that pain in his chest when he thought of all the people he lost? Did he try everything in his power to not think about all of this?

Elissa didn't know what to say to Alistair. Words didn't matter, actions did. So she stood there in silence until he was ready to move on.

They said goodbye to Ostagar and left. Elissa hoped she wouldn't need to come back soon. But maybe that was too good to be true. One day she might need to return to the cold and cruel Ostagar. The wardens need to rebuild one day.


End file.
